"Everyone is Going Through Something"

Professional basketball player, Kevin Love, shared an amazing story about his mental health. He hit many relevant points; from the societal pressures for individuals to silently suffer, to the fact that everyone is struggling with different things. No matter how much money we have, or the fame that surrounds us, no one is immune to the struggles of life. It is necessary for our culture to shift from this judgement around mental health. Individuals are silently suffering, and feel they are unable to ask for help. This leads to detrimental isolation, and can lead to the violence that we see around us today. As men, you do not have to figure it out on your own and be strong; and as women, we do not need to remain quiet. For some reason, we've shifted into this "all-or-nothing" thinking. We think that if we ask for help, we are not strong; if we struggle, we are inadequate. However, we are able to struggle and still be amazingly strong. Strength is vulnerability. Strength is acknowledging that you can't always figure it out on your own. Strength is being okay with not being okay. Strength is speaking out despite the shame you may feel. Kevin Love exemplified true strength, as well as many others who have began to speak out; and I hope others are inspired by these stories. We may not all want to share our struggles to this extent, but hopefully we can have the realization that we are not alone. 

Read his full story below:

Everyone Is Going Through Something | By Kevin Love

Love is a Choice

I recently read an article by Seth Adam Smith about the choice of love, and figured it is fitting to share on Valentine’s Day! This article highlights the fact that there is no such thing as a fairy tale ending. Love and relationships are hard work and we must make a choice to go on this journey of ups and downs. In the article he discusses embracing the imperfections, walking the path together; despite what this path may look like, and committing to love. “Real love is an unconditional commitment to an imperfect person”. It is important to remember this within our relationships, however, it is just as important to remember this for ourselves! This article discusses relationships, however, I feel all these points are important to remember for the self too. When we can unconditionally love ourselves and make a choice to love ourselves, it is easier to love others. You do not need to be in a relationship to read this article, and you do not need to be in a relationship to enjoy Valentine’s Day! This is just like any other day which requires self-love and love for those that surround you.

“Real love is like the north star in the storms of life; it is constant, sure, and true. Whenever we’re lost and confused, we can find strength in the love that we have chosen”

Follow the link to read more:

https://upliftconnect.com/real-love-is-a-choice/

Authentically Vee

The Emotion of Shame

What is shame?

Shame researcher Brene Brown defines shame as a normal and universal human emotion, and is also one of the most painful emotions that makes us believe that we are flawed or unworthy. It is an intense negative emotion that hits the core of a person’s being. Shame is commonly confused with guilt. Shame is an emotion that reflects the deep-rooted feelings of the self. Guilt is a feeling about our behaviors. We feel guilty about actions we’ve taken and often try to repair, we feel shame about who we are as a person and often try to hide. Feelings of shame can cause individuals to be constantly critical of themselves, often finding something to criticize about their appearance, behavior, or personality; and even causing individuals to be critical of others. Research by Loader describes the emotion of shame as the inner experience when we feel uncovered and when private aspects of the self are unwillingly revealed, such as our physical bodies, actions, or thoughts. Shame often arises when we are perceived differently than we want to be seen by others. Shame results in urges to hide or withdraw. Instead of acknowledging shame, usually other feelings are used to hide shame. Shame is often hidden with avoidance, anger, and at the more severe level, substance abuse. When shame is acknowledged, individuals are able to thrive within their authentic beings and connect more with others. The only way to heal our shame is by talking about it, which begins with an awareness of it.

How does shame affect our thoughts?

It is easier to acknowledge our feelings of shame when we recognize our thoughts. Most thoughts that are negative judgments about ourselves as a person are often related to feelings of shame. These are some examples of thoughts that are related to feelings of shame:

• There’s something wrong with me

• No one will ever love/like me

• I am not enough

• I am inferior to those around me

• I am not important to others

• I am a failure

• I am unworthy

Have you noticed any of these thoughts, or similar thoughts, in your own life?

A big step to dealing with shame is becoming aware of your thoughts related to shame, and making attempts to shift your thoughts.

How does shame affect our relationships?

Shame makes us want to withdraw and hide, which is detrimental to our ability to connect with others. Shame leads to us feeling disconnected, isolated, and lonely. We long to be in fulfilling relationships, however, our feelings of shame often prevent us from authentically connecting within these relationships. Shame arises within relationships when an individual feels judged, and when one feels they are perceived in a negative way, which will enhance the need to withdraw. We fear that if we show our true selves to those we are closest to, they will not like us or will judge us. This leads us to connect with others by not truly connecting. We are not our authentic selves within our relationships because we have hidden aspects about us that are important to share. Relationships require a vulnerability, however, this vulnerability is often avoided. The very things that enhance our authenticity are the things we avoid the most. Acknowledging our shame and embracing vulnerability are key to being authentically ourselves, and in authentic connection with others.

How is shame interfering in your relationships with others? Are you authentically connecting with others?

Authentically Vee

References:

Brown, B. (2012). Daring greatly: How the courage to be vulnerable transforms the way we live, love, parent, and lead. New York: Gotham Books

Loader, P. (1998). Such a shame—A consideration of shame and shaming mechanisms in families. Child Abuse Review, 7(1), 44-57.

Overcoming the Superwoman Syndrome

As women, we often feel that we must do it all. We feel that we need to perfect every role in our lives; this is what the term superwoman syndrome encompasses. The desire to do everything and striving for high, and often unrealistic, expectations at the expense of our own well-being. I participated on a radio show in which we discussed this superwoman syndrome and methods to overcome this. Listen below to hear the conversation and see how this may apply within your life.

https://www.spreaker.com/user/knashradio/accelerated-radio-network_8170 

The Year of Transformation

As we begin this New Year, many of us have our new year’s resolutions and goals we would like to achieve. We often enter with a “new year, new me” attitude. But more times than not, we are the exact same person, and the New Year resolutions that we established are usually forgotten about within 3 months. This is not necessarily a bad thing, each year does not always have to warrant a new beginning. We are able to have new beginnings at any point within the year, we do not need a countdown and a ball drop to set new goals for ourselves. But when we do set these goals, we often focus narrowly on the end goal. Whether this be starting a new exercise plan, making money, or enhancing our relationships; these end goals always sound great. But there is a certain type of transformation that is required to reach these goals. We cannot transform our body, professional careers, or relationships; until we have transformed our minds. There is a certain mindset we must have in order to reach our specific goals. Often times we want to change everything around us, while keeping the same thought processes. This is nearly impossible to do. We live in a society where time is of the essence, and if there were some way to reach our long term goals within 3 days we would jump at the opportunity. Unfortunately, it takes more than a few days, and depending on your goals, takes more than a few months. Anything worth having does not come easy, and we often lose sight of this. We must transform our thinking which reflects patience and consistency. These common 10 day diets and get rich quick methods we see in magazines are simply catchy phrases to draw in readers and those who want results fast; which is often most of us. But hardly are these results as fast as we anticipate, which makes us frustrated and we give up. Not all of our expectations and plans work out, but these are opportunities to learn, grow, and try different methods. When we have the give-up mindset, we do not learn, we do not grow, and we fail to take advantage of any other opportunities due to the fear of failing again. Being stuck in this mindset hinders our ability to grow.

We have the ability to do what we want if only we believe in ourselves. Our minds have an underestimated powerful effect on what we do and what we believe that we can do. We tell ourselves that we can’t, or we don’t have time, or that we don’t know how; and soon we believe these messages. Instead we should be saying, “I can, but how can I begin?” “If this is important to me, how can I make time?” “Who can I talk to that has done this already?” These are examples of a different mindset. The focus is less on reasons that prevent us from doing things, and more on the positive ways in which we can accomplish these things. I also would think in negative ways (and still do at times!) when it came to me starting my own business and trying new things. But I overcame that mindset by researching, reading, and talking to those who have done the things I wanted to do. Those 3 simple things gave me the knowledge I needed, and it was up to me to believe in myself rather than doubting myself. This can very well be a great year of transformation for you, however, it starts with your mindset. This new mindset will allow you to live authentically in what you want to do, without fear and self-doubt holding you back. Change your negative thoughts and ignore those around you who also have these negative thoughts. Break free from the mindset of can’t, doubt, and fear, and remember the importance of patience, consistency, and hard work. Insanity is defined as doing something the same way repeatedly and expecting different results. The only way to get different results is with different behaviors, and most importantly, a different mindset. When we shift our mindset to more positive thinking, and remember that goals require patience and consistency; we can very well make this year the year of transformation. If you are out of your comfort zone in reaching some of your goals, you are right where you’re supposed to be! There can be no change without a challenge. Wishing you a great start to this new year and a true transformation towards your goals!

Authentically Vee

Letting Go of Not Being Enough

Throughout my clinical work and research, there has been a common experience among individuals of not being good enough. There is often this sense that we must change ourselves (appearance, behaviors, beliefs) in order to adhere to this dominant culture. This hinders our ability to authentically be ourselves when we are busy trying to be what others expect us to be. Instead of being critical of ourselves, we must be critical of this dominant culture and the values that disconnect us from others, but most importantly from our authentic selves. The dominant culture tells us what beauty looks like, what a woman acts like, and what expectations we must reach; when in reality, there is no definite measurement of any of these things. Beauty, gender roles, and gender expectations are social constructs that society often creates to inform us of what is expected from us. However, these expectations are often times unrealistic and create this shameful feeling that we are not good enough. Society is always wanting to change us, and at times we get wrapped up into these expectations because we learn that is just how things are. It is important that our lives are based on how we want things to be, not on how society wants our lives to be. Often times we feel obligated to enter into relationships, have kids, have a certain career; because this is what society says we are supposed to do. What society often lacks to inform us is that these life decisions will look completely different for everyone, and different does not equate to inadequacy. We are never less than due to being different from others, and we should not be made to feel as if we are less than.

When we feel we are not enough, we are preventing ourselves from living within our authentic selves. Believing we are not enough, or unworthy, changes our thoughts and our behaviors. We think and act in ways that reinforce this message of not being enough. We begin to attract negative people into our lives, because they will also reinforce you not being good enough by treating you in ways less than you deserve.  We settle for less within our careers and opportunities due to believing we are incapable of anything else. We become unhappy with our choices and lives, but feel incapable of making any positive changes. Living authentically requires you to decrease this feeling of not being good enough. Decreasing this feeling will decrease the negative aspects within your life that are preventing you from truly doing what you desire. When we are able to see our worth, we only invite things into our lives that will reinforce this worth. We enter into positive relationships, we strive for new opportunities, and we make necessary changes that will continue to allow for our positive growth. We understand that we will not be able to reach everyone’s expectations of us, and we do not feel any less of a person because of that. We are worthy and we are enough just the way we are. Think of the areas in your life that you may be feeling less than. Sometimes it can take a while to truly accept and embrace our perceived flaws. But when you are able to let go of this feeling of not being enough, you can begin to be authentically you, who is worthy and always enough.

Authentically Vee

Being Authentically You

What does being authentically you represent? The inspiration from my blog name, Authentically Vee, stems from the desire to authentically be myself, while also inspiring others to do the same. I hope to inspire others to move one step closer toward authenticity within all aspects of their lives. My goal is to help others improve their way of being, their view of self, and their relationships with others. My writing is not to share absolute truths, but to share based on my professional experience with clients, my research, and my own personal experiences.

Authenticity is often defined as something that is genuine and real; ultimately someone who is true to their self. The action behind being true to oneself is often much harder than it sounds. There are various aspects of our lives that prevent us from being our true selves, and often times, we are unsure who our true self is. Is our true self who we currently are, or who we are striving to be? Are we able to be our true selves all the time and within our different roles and contexts? I think these are questions that we may all struggle with, and I’m not sure there’s a right or wrong answer. I see authenticity being grounded in much more than just the perception of being true to one’s self. Authenticity is not a destination to reach, but rather a journey. This involves a journey of self-reflection and awareness. It is important to recognize what prevents us from being our authentic selves and what we can do to overcome these things that hinder us the most. Authenticity is not just important for the self, but vital within our relationships with others. If we are not in true authentic connection with ourselves, we are not able to be in authentic connection with others. I believe there are various layers of our identity to unveil that will allow us to better connect to our true selves and others. In my upcoming book, I will outline the acronym A.U.T.H.E.N.T.I.C; which will discuss the various layers of ourselves that must be acknowledged in order to enhance our authentic self. Moving towards a life of authenticity allows us to accomplish our dreams and desires, gain more fulfilling relationships, and ultimately live a life in which we are living truly for ourselves.

I am able to write about authenticity, not because I am an expert and have mastered the art of being authentic. I write about authenticity because as a Marriage and Family Therapist, I have worked with many clients who struggle with these feelings. Through my experiences with clients, I have understood what often prevents individuals from being their true selves, and the detrimental impacts this can have on relationships. I have recently done research with women who seemed to value living an authentic life and the struggles they faced on that journey. I have been through my own journey of striving for this authenticity; desiring to be the best version of myself as I could; but often falling short of this perfect ideal I strived for. This concept of perfection often gets in our way. I see authenticity as the very opposite of perfection. Perfection represents a state of being flawless, authenticity represents acknowledging and accepting these flaws. Being flawless is a false reality, flaws are a true human experience. When we are able to accept our flaws, we are able to also accept the flaws of others, and move closer to authentic connections. Flaws are often seen as negative attributes, however, flaws represent our experiences, our struggles, our idiosyncrasies; and most importantly, our areas for growth. I saw this quote by Mandy Hale and she states it best: “Be honest about who you are. Flaws and all. You never know you are inspiring by simply being you.”

Authentically Vee